I don’t remember much about Gettysburg,
South Dakota. In fact, nothing at all—except the sign welcoming you to town.
That I remember, mostly because it cracked me up: “Gettysburg, South Dakota. Where
the Battle Wasn’t.”
How often is it that you can rumble along
a rural highway, languidly turn your eyes to a billboard on the side of the
road… and burst out laughing? Well, the answer is: More often that you might
think. A good number of rural hiccups have learned not to take themselves too
seriously. When attempting to make their mark on the memories of passersby,
they’ve discovered that self-deprecation often does the trick.
Say, you’re in Manhattan, for instance.
Not the one in New York. The one in Kansas. You know what they call themselves?
The Little Apple. Maybe a while later you’re still in Kansas, but you’ve driven
some 100 miles southeast – to the town of Gas. There, you can spot a bright red
water tower looming over the tiny town of some 560 souls. It says simply, GAS
KAN. Perhaps you then head into Oklahoma’s panhandle, to a hamlet that goes by
the name of—believe it or not—Hooker. The welcome sign includes an image of a
19th-century prostitute. The town slogan: “It’s a location, not a
vocation.”
I mean, c’mon. That’s just great stuff.
In my travels, I have become a
connoisseur of community communications, collecting town slogans like so many
refrigerator magnets, and I can’t help but be impressed. It’s a tall order to
describe yourself in half-a-dozen words and then imprint the phrase on all who
encounter it, especially for places that are a bit short on uniqueness. These
slogans run the gamut from clever (Garden City, Missouri: “A Touch of Heaven on
Highway Seven”) to hyperbolic (Livonia, New York: “Some bigger. None better.”),
from historical puffery (Seneca Falls, New York: “Birthplace of Women’s
Rights”) to hysterical desperation (Forest Junction, Wisconsin: “You Can Get
There From Here”). But they all have one thing in common: A slogan identifies a
community as a place of some significance, a destination worthy of
consideration.
It’s as if the town is saying, “I boast,
therefore I am.” And can you blame them?
How does a town forge an identity? At its
essence, that’s the question facing the townsfolk as they settle on a town
slogan. How do we describe ourselves? How do we make our mark, especially when
are target audience is speeding by at 60 miles per hour?
The most common means of forging an
identity seems to be by calling oneself the Something Capital of the Someplace,
in which case its merely a matter of how high to aim. Consider three towns in
Wisconsin: Sauk City is the “Cow Chip Throwing Capital of Wisconsin,” and
Reedsburg is the “Butter Capital of America.” But Green Bay is the “Toilet
Paper Capital of the World.” They must be flush with pride. Then again, the
Georgia hamlet of Claxton actually calls itself the “Fruitcake Capital of the
World.” Sounds like it should be a sister city of Green Bay.
Any community not comfortable being a
capital can simply bill itself as the Whatzit City or the Home of the
Thingamajiggy. It’s also popular for town welcome signs to announce the names
of famous natives. They can be big celebrities (Yukon, Oklahoma is “Home of
Garth Brooks”). Or they can be just plain big (Grantsburg, Wisconsin—“Home of
Big Gust”—pays homage to a resident named Anders Gustav Anderson, who stood
7-foot-6).
Granted, some towns try to fit too much
into a slogan (Bangor, Michigan: “Train City USA in the Heart of Apple
Country”. Or perhaps not enough (Little Valley, New York: “A Municipal Electric
Community”). But a little imagination goes a long way. Indeed, some of my
favorites are the warm-hearted generalities substituting for specifics. When
Wasko, California, announces that it’s “A Nice Place to Live,” I have no reason
to doubt it. Pigeon Falls, Wisconsin, is “Where Everyone is Important.”
Canfield, Ohio, is “The City That Cares.” Jewell, Iowa, is “A Gem in a Friendly
Setting.”
Often, however, a town’s identity is
about location, location, location. If it’s on the edge of something, it’s a
gateway (Bolivar, Ohio: “Gateway to Tuscanawas County”). If it’s at the
confluence of roads or rivers or regions, it’s either a magical meeting (Lowry
City, Missouri: “Where the Ozarks Meet the Plains”) or a proud crossroads
(Barstow, California: “Crossroads of Opportunity”). And if it is centrally
located, then it’s vying to be the center of our attention.
Again, consider some towns in Wisconsin: Marshfield
calls itself “The City in the Center.” Pittsville boasts “The Exact
Geographical Center of the State.” But Poniatowski one-ups them both. In the
1970s local residents located the spot where the 45th parallel
crosses the 90th meridian. The result? Poniatowski, Wisconsin: “The
Center of the Northwestern World.”
Ah, but the 800-or-so people in Boswell,
Indiana, aimed even higher. There, emblazoned on the village water tower like a
proclamation from the Almighty, it says simply this: “Boswell, Hub of the
Universe.”
Given all that there is to choose from—each
an example of a clever writer’s imagination—whittling the wit and whimsy down
to a list of favorite has been quite a challenge. But I’ve managed to select a
smile-inducing 77:
- Gettysburg, South Dakota: Where the battle
wasn’t
- Hooker, Oklahoma: It’s a location, not a
vocation
- Jewell, Iowa: A gem in a friendly setting
- Livonia, New York: Some bigger, none better
- Peculiar, Missouri: Where the odds are with
you
- Spring Lake, Michigan: Where nature smiles for
seven miles
- Drumright, Oklahoma: Town of oil repute
- Boswell, Indiana: Hub of the universe
- San Andreas, California: It’s not our fault
- Readlyn, Iowa: 857 friendly people & one
old GRUMP
- Forest Junction, Wisconsin: You can get there
from here
- Moscow, Maine: Best town by a dam site
- Garden City, Missouri: A touch of heaven on
Highway Seven
- Eaton Rapids, Michigan: Welcome to the only
Eaton Rapids on Earth
- Linesville, Pennsylvania: Where the ducks walk on the fish
- Union Springs, Alabama: Serendipity center of
the South
- Rockwell City, Iowa: The golden buckle on the
Corn Belt
- Apex, North Carolina: The peak of good living
- Manhattan, Kansas: The Little Apple
- Walla Walla, Washington: The city so nice they
named it twice
- Paradise, California: It’s all the name
implies
- Melbourne, Iowa: Right on top, not down under
- Newton Falls, Ohio: The town with zip
- Freeland, Pennsylvania: The most happening
place on Earth
- Gretna, Virginia: Ain’t no big thing, but
we’re growing!
- Hereford, Texas: Town without a toothache
- Littleton, New Hampshire: A notch above
- Morrison, Colorado: The nearest faraway place
- Gravity, Iowa: We’re down to earth
- Leavenworth, Kansas: How about doin’ some
‘time’ in Leavenworth
- Boardman, Oregon: On the river and on the way
- Hico, Texas: Where everybody is somebody
- Wakefield, Kansas: It’ll take you by surprise!
- Beaver Dam, Wisconsin: Make yourself at home
- Buckley, Washington: Below the snow, above the
fog
- Bushnell, South Dakota: It’s not the end of
the Earth, but you can see it from here
- Swanton, Nebraska: Dear hearts and gentle
people
- Hampton, Virginia: First from the sea, first
to the stars
- Show Low, Arizona: Named for the turn of a
card
- Phoenix, Oregon: The other Phoenix
- Blue Earth, Minnesota: Earth so rich, the city
grows
- Beaman, Iowa: You’re not dreamin’, you’re in
Beaman
- Andover, Kansas: Where the people are warm,
even when the weather isn’t
- Knox, Indiana: Where opportunity knocks
- Gas, Kansas: Don’t pass Gas, stop and enjoy it
- Eastland, Texas: Where the Wild meets the West
- Delmar, Maryland: The little town too big for
one state
- Broadview Heights, Ohio: The highest of the heights
- Algoma, Wisconsin: Warm welcomes, cool breezes
and hot fishing
- Britt, Iowa: Founded by rail, sustained by the
plow
- Lodi, California: Livable, lovable Lodi
- Hershey, Pennsylvania: The sweetest place on
Earth
- Happy, Texas: The town without a frown
- Weed, California: Weed like to welcome you
- Ormond Beach, Florida: The birthplace of speed
- Lowry City, Missouri: Where the Ozarks meet
the Plains
- Glenpool, Oklahoma: The town that made Tulsa
famous
- Addison, Texas: Where Dallas goes for fun
- Poniatowski, Wisconsin: Center of the
northwestern world
- Cherryfield, Maine: Blueberry Capital of the
World
- Tombstone, Arizona: The town too tough to die
- Claxton, Georgia: Fruitcake capital of the
world
- Dodge City, Kansas: The wickedest little city
in America
- St. George, Utah: Where the summer sun spends
the winter
- Eustis, Florida: The city of bright tomorrows
- Lufkin, Texas: See the forest for the trees
- Cairo, Illinois: Where northern enterprise
meets southern hospitality
- Anita, Iowa: A whale of a town
- Harrison, Michigan: Twenty lakes in twenty
minutes
- Janesville, Wisconsin: Wisconsin’s Park Place
- Riverside, Iowa: Where the Trek begins
- Coachella, California: City of eternal
sunshine
- Hyder, Alaska: Friendliest ghost town in
Alaska
- Whittemore, Iowa: Cares more, shares more
- St. Louis, Michigan: Middle of the mitten
- Burkeville, Virginia: The little town that
could
- Madisonville, Kentucky: The best town on Earth
Very cute! Thanks for the laughs.
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