90 BRILLIANT BURMA SHAVE SIGNS

Poetry can be very moving. It can also be poetry in motion—literally. The best examples of that are the old Burma-Shave signs from the mid-20^th century. I’m too young to have seen any in person, but I would have loved them while cruising along a blue highway in a house on wheels—in part for the smile, but also for the writing skills.

Here’s a brief history: In the 1920s, a fellow named Alan Odell was selling Burma-Shave, a shaving cream produced by his father.  He came up with an idea: He posted a series of signs (usually four or five) set about 100 feet apart, that were welcome eye-openers for weary drivers. The first signs arose on rural highways in Minnesota, and those didn’t even rhyme. Eventually, there were some 7,000 sets of signs in 45 states, punny little verses that touted the shaving product, of course, but often also romance and safe driving. For example:

Given that I shave once a week, I may not agree with the premise. But I applaud the playful sense of humor. Burma-Shave never advertised on radio or TV. And eventually, the company’s famous signs fell victim to the emergence of the Interstate Highway System (sign placement was calibrated to achieve maximum effect at about 35 miles per hour). When Philip Morris purchased Burma-Shave in 1963, the new owners put an end to the sign campaign.

So a half-century later, and after a bit of research, we at the Why Not 100 would like to pay homage to the roadside laughs and the scribes who created them by offering our 90 favorite Burma-Shave sequences, beyond the first one above:

2. HEAVEN’S LATEST

NEOPHYTE

SIGNALED LEFT

THEN TURNED RIGHT

3. IS HE LONESOME

OR JUST BLIND –

THE GUY WHO DRIVES

SO CLOSE BEHIND?

4. CANDIDATE SAYS

CAMPAIGN CONFUSING

BABIES KISS ME

SINCE I’VE BEEN USING

5. THE BEARDED DEVIL

IS FORCED TO DWELL

IN THE ONLY PLACE

WHERE THEY DON’T SELL

6. MY JOB IS
KEEPING FACES CLEAN

AND NOBODY KNOWS

DE STUBBLE I’VE SEEN

7. PRICKLY PEARS

ARE PICKED FOR PICKLES

BUT NO PEACH PICKS

A FACE THAT PRICKLES

8. SAID FARMER BROWN

WHO’S BALD ON TOP

WISH I COULD

ROTATE THE CROP

9. DIPLOMACY IS

TO DO AND SAY

THE NASTIEST THINGS

IN THE NICEST WAY

10. HER CHARIOT RACED

AT EIGHTY PER

THEY HAULED AWAY

WHAT HAD BEN HUR

11. THIS CREAM MAKES

THE GARDENER’S DAUGHTER

PLANT HER TU-LIPS

WHERE SHE OUGHTER

12. A NUT AT THE WHEEL

A PEACH ON HIS RIGHT

A CURVE IN THE ROAD

FRUIT SALAD THAT NIGHT

13. CATTLE CROSSING

PLEASE DRIVE SLOW

THAT OLD BULL

IS SOME COW’S BEAU

14. SHE EYED HIS BEARD

AND SAID, “NO DICE

THE WEDDING’S OFF

I’LL COOK THE RICE”

15. SOAP MAY DO

FOR LADS WITH FUZZ

BUT SIR, YOU AIN’T

HE KID YOU WUZ

16. CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET’S HAVE LESS BULL

AND LOTS MORE STEER

17. SPECIAL SEATS
RESERVED IN HADE

FOR WHISKERED GUYS

WHO SCRATCH THEIR LADIES

18. THE HERO WAS BRAVE
AND STRONG AND WILLIN’

SHE FELT HIS CHIN

THEN WED THE VILLAIN

19. SLOW DOWN, PA

SAKES ALIVE

MA MISSED SIGNS

FOUR AND FIVE

20. THE BEARDED LADY

TRIED A JAR

SHE’S NOW

A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR

21. IF YOU THINK

SHE LIKES YOUR BRISTLES

WALK BARE-FOOTED

THROUGH SOME THISTLES

22. DOESN’T KISS YOU

LIKE SHE USEDTER?

PERHAPS SHE’S SEEN

A SMOOTHER ROOSTER

23. THE OTHER WOMAN

IN HIS LIFE

SAID “GO BACK HOME

AND SCRATCH YOUR WIFE.”

24. HE HAD THE RING

HE HAD THE FLAT

BUT SHE FELT HIS CHIN

AND THAT WAS THAT

25. BEFORE I TRIED IT

THE KISSES I MISSED

BUT AFTERWARD-BOY!

THE MISSES I KISSED

26. PEDRO WALKED

BACK HOME BY GOLLY

HIS BRISTLY CHIN

WAS HOT-TO-MOLLY

27. USE THIS CREAM

A DAY OR TWO

THEN DON’T CALL HER

SHE’LL CALL YOU

28. THE POOREST GUY

IN THE HUMAN RACE

CAN HAVE A

MILLION DOLLAR FACE

29. HENRY VIII

SURE HAD TROUBLE

SHORT TERM WIVES

LONG TERM STUBBLE

30. DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT TOO FAR

OR IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR

31. SUBSTITUTES

ARE LIKE A GIRDLE

THEY FIND SOME JOBS

THEY JUST CAN’T HURDLE

32. SUBSTITUTES

CAN LET YOU DOWN

QUICKER THAN

A STRAPLESS GOWN

33. PAST SCHOOLHOUSES

TAKE IT SLOW

LET THE LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

34. THE PLACE TO PASS

ON CURVES YOU KNOW

IS ONLY AT

A BEAUTY SHOW

35. IF YOUR PEACH

KEEPS OUT OF REACH

BETTER PRACTICE

WHAT WE PREACH

36. BURMA-SHAVE

WAS SUCH A BOOM

THEY PASSED THE BRIDE

AND KISSED THE GROOM

37. TO KISS A MUG

THAT’S LIKE A CACTUS

TAKES MORE NERVE

THAN IT DOES PRACTICE

38. ALTHOUGH INSURED

REMEMBER, KIDDO

THEY DON’T PAY YOU

THEY PAY YOUR WIDOW

39. TRAIN APPROACHING

WHISTLE SQUEALING

PAUSE! AVOID THAT

RUNDOWN FEELING

40. SPRING HAS SPRUNG

THE GRASS HAS RIZ

WHERE LAST YEAR’S 

CARELESS DRIVER IS

41. PROPER DISTANCE
TO HIM WAS BUNK

THEY PULLED HIM OUT

OF SOME GUY’S TRUNK

42. MY CHEEK SAYS SHE

IS SMOOTH AS SATIN

HA! HA! SAY SHE

THAT’S MINE YOUR PATTIN’

43. UNLESS YOUR FACE

IS STINGER FREE

YOU BETTER LET

YOUR HONEY BE

44. A BEARD THAT’S ROUGH

AND OVERGROWN

IS BETTER THAN

A CHAPERONE

45. THE HOBO LET HIS

WHISKERS SPROUT

IT’S TRAINS—NOT GIRLS

THAT HE TAKES OUT

46. DINAH DOESN’T

TREAT HIM RIGHT

BUT IF HE’D SHAVE

DINAH-MITE!

47. ON CURVES AHEAD

REMEMBER, SONNY

THAT RABBIT’S FOOT

DIDN’T SAVE THE BUNNY

48. TO KISS A MUG

THAT’S LIKE A CACTUS

TAKES MORE NERVE

THAN IT DOES PRACTICE

49. THE ANSWER TO

A MAIDEN PRAYER

IS NOT A CHIN

OF STUBBY HAIR

50. I KNOW HE’S A WOLF

SAID RIDING HOOD

BUT GRANDMA DEAR

HE SMELLS SO GOOD

51. A CHIN WHERE

BARBED WIRE BRISTLES STAND

IS BOUND TO BE

A NO MA’AMS LAND

52. TO STEAL A KISS

HE HAD THE KNACK

BUT LACKED THE CHEEK

TO GET ONE BACK

53. IT GAVE MACDONALD

THAT NEEDED CHARM

HELLO HOLLYWOOD

GOOD-BY FARM

54. AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN’T IT?

55. WE CAN’T PROVIDE YOU

WITH A DATE

BUT WE DO SUPPLY

THE BEST DARN BAIT

56. SUBSTITUTES

CAN DO MORE HARM

THAN CITY FELLERS

ON A FARM

57. THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN

HE’S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING

58. VIOLETS ARE BLUE
ROSES ARE PINK

ON GRAVES OF THOSE

WHO DRIVE AND DRINK

59. HE TRIED TO CROSS

AS FAST TRAIN NEARED

DEATH DIDN’T DRAFT HIM

HE VOLUNTEERED

60. “NO, NO,” SHE SAID

TO HER BRISTLY BEAU

I’D RATHER EAT

THE MISTLETOE

61. IF ANYTHING

WILL PLEASE YOUR JILL

A LITTLE JACK

FOR THIS JAR WILL

62. THE BIG BLUE TUBE’S

JUST LIKE LOUISE

YOU GET A THRILL

FROM EVERY SQUEEZE

63. ANGELS WHO GUARD YOU

WHEN YOU DRIVE

USUALLY RETIRE

AT SIXTY-FIVE

64. THE MONKEY TOOK
ONE LOOK AT JIM
AND THREW THE PEANUTS
BACK AT HIM

65. THE DRAFTEE TRIED

A TUBE AND PURRED

WELL WHADDYA KNOW

I’VE BEEN DEFURRED

66. THIS COOLING SHAVE

WILL NEVER FAIL

TO STAMP ITS USER

FIRST CLASS MALE

67. MEN WITH WHISKERS

‘NEATH THEIR NOSES

OUGHTA HAVE TO KISS

LIKE ESKIMOSES

68. PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE

MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE

OF ETERNITY

69. IF DAISIES ARE

YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER

KEEP PUSHIN’ UP

THOSE MILES-PER-HOUR

70. HE LIT A MATCH
TO CHECK GAS TANK

THAT’S WHY THEY CALL HIM

SKINLESS FRANK

71. THIRTY DAYS

HATH SEPTEMBER

APRIL, JUNE,

AND THE SPEED OFFENDER

72. DIM YOUR LIGHTS

BEHIND A CAR

LET FOLKS SEE

HOW BRIGHT YOU ARE

73. BEN MET ANNA

MADE A HIT

NEGLECTED BEARD

BEN-ANNA SPLIT

74. HE PLAYED THE SAX

HE HAD NO B.O.

BUT HIS WHISKERS SCRATCHED

SO SHE LET HIM GO

75. YOU CAN DRIVE

A MILE A MINUTE

BUT THERE IS NO

FUTURE IN IT

76. IF HUGGING ON HIGHWAYS
IS YOUR SPORT
TRADE IN YOUR CAR

FOR A DAVENPORT

77. THIS SHAVE IS LIKE

A PARACHUTE

THERE ISN’T ANY

SUBSTITUTE

78. IF YOU MUST TEST

HER PUCKER PAINT

BE SURE TO DRIVE

WHERE TRAFFIC AIN’T

79. I’D HEARD IT PRAISED

BY DRUG STORE CLERKS

I TRIED THE STUFF

HOT DOG! IT WORKS

80. WITHIN THIS VALE

OF TOIL AND SIN

YOUR HEAD GROWS BALD

BUT NOT YOUR CHIN

81. FROM NEW YORK TOWN

TO PUMPKIN HOLLER

IT’S HALF A POUND

FOR HALF A DOLLAR

82. SAID JULIET

TO ROMEO

IF YOU DON’T SHAVE

GO HOMEO

83. SHAVING BRUSHES

YOU’LL SOON SEE ‘EM

ON A SHELF

IN SOME MUSEUM

84. IF HARMONY

IS WHAT YOU CRAVE

THEN GET A TUBA

BURMA-SHAVE

85. IF YOU DON’T KNOW

WHOSE SIGNS THESE ARE

YOU HAVEN’T DRIVEN

VERY FAR

86. WE’RE WIDELY READ

AND OFTEN QUOTED

BUT IT’S SHAVES NOT SIGNS

FOR WHICH WE’RE NOTED

87. THESE SIGNS ARE NOT

FOR LAUGHS ALONE

THE FACE THEY SAVE

MAY BE YOUR OWN

88. DON’T TAKE A CURVE

AT 60 PER

WE’D HATE TO LOSE

A CUSTOMER

89. WE KNOW HOW MUCH

YOU LOVE THAT GAL

BUT USE BOTH HANDS

FOR DRIVING, PAL

90. FAREWELL O VERSE

ALONG THE ROAD

HOW SAD TO SEE

YOU’RE OUT OF MODE