Poetry can be very moving. It can
also be poetry in motion—literally. The best examples of that are the old
Burma-Shave signs from the mid-20th century. I’m too young to have
seen any in person, but I would have loved them while cruising along a blue
highway in a house on wheels—in part for the smile, but also for the writing
skills.
Here’s a brief history: In the
1920s, a fellow named Alan Odell was selling Burma-Shave, a shaving cream
produced by his father. He came up with
an idea: He posted a series of signs (usually four or five) set about 100 feet
apart, that were welcome eye-openers for weary drivers. The first signs arose
on rural highways in Minnesota, and those didn’t even rhyme. Eventually, there
were some 7,000 sets of signs in 45 states, punny little verses that touted the
shaving product, of course, but often also romance and safe driving. For
example:
Given that I shave once a week, I may
not agree with the premise. But I applaud the playful sense of humor.
Burma-Shave never advertised on radio or TV. And eventually, the company’s
famous signs fell victim to the emergence of the Interstate Highway System
(sign placement was calibrated to achieve maximum effect at about 35 miles per
hour). When Philip Morris purchased Burma-Shave in 1963, the new owners put an
end to the sign campaign.
So a half-century later, and after
a bit of research, we at the
Why Not 100 would like to pay homage to the
roadside laughs and the scribes who created them by offering our 90 favorite
Burma-Shave sequences, beyond the first one above:
2. HEAVEN’S LATEST
NEOPHYTE
SIGNALED LEFT
THEN TURNED RIGHT
3. IS HE LONESOME
OR JUST BLIND –
THE GUY WHO DRIVES
SO CLOSE BEHIND?
4. CANDIDATE
SAYS
CAMPAIGN
CONFUSING
BABIES
KISS ME
SINCE
I’VE BEEN USING
5. THE
BEARDED DEVIL
IS
FORCED TO DWELL
IN
THE ONLY PLACE
WHERE
THEY DON’T SELL
6. MY
JOB IS
KEEPING FACES CLEAN
AND
NOBODY KNOWS
DE
STUBBLE I’VE SEEN
7. PRICKLY PEARS
ARE PICKED FOR PICKLES
BUT NO PEACH PICKS
A FACE THAT PRICKLES
8. SAID FARMER
BROWN
WHO’S BALD ON TOP
WISH I COULD
ROTATE THE CROP
9. DIPLOMACY IS
TO DO AND SAY
THE NASTIEST THINGS
IN THE NICEST WAY
10. HER CHARIOT
RACED
AT EIGHTY PER
THEY HAULED AWAY
WHAT HAD BEN HUR
11. THIS
CREAM MAKES
THE
GARDENER’S DAUGHTER
PLANT
HER TU-LIPS
WHERE
SHE OUGHTER
12. A
NUT AT THE WHEEL
A
PEACH ON HIS RIGHT
A
CURVE IN THE ROAD
FRUIT SALAD THAT NIGHT
13. CATTLE
CROSSING
PLEASE
DRIVE SLOW
THAT
OLD BULL
IS
SOME COW’S BEAU
14. SHE
EYED HIS BEARD
AND
SAID, “NO DICE
THE
WEDDING’S OFF
I’LL
COOK THE RICE”
15. SOAP MAY DO
FOR LADS WITH FUZZ
BUT SIR, YOU AIN’T
HE KID YOU WUZ
16. CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
17. SPECIAL SEATS
RESERVED IN HADE
FOR WHISKERED GUYS
WHO SCRATCH THEIR LADIES
18. THE
HERO WAS BRAVE
AND STRONG AND WILLIN’
SHE
FELT HIS CHIN
THEN WED THE VILLAIN
19. SLOW
DOWN, PA
SAKES
ALIVE
MA
MISSED SIGNS
FOUR AND FIVE
20. THE
BEARDED LADY
TRIED
A JAR
SHE’S
NOW
A
FAMOUS MOVIE STAR
21. IF
YOU THINK
SHE
LIKES YOUR BRISTLES
WALK
BARE-FOOTED
THROUGH
SOME THISTLES
22. DOESN’T
KISS YOU
LIKE
SHE USEDTER?
PERHAPS
SHE’S SEEN
A
SMOOTHER ROOSTER
23. THE
OTHER WOMAN
IN
HIS LIFE
SAID
“GO BACK HOME
AND
SCRATCH YOUR WIFE.”
24. HE
HAD THE RING
HE
HAD THE FLAT
BUT
SHE FELT HIS CHIN
AND
THAT WAS THAT
25. BEFORE
I TRIED IT
THE KISSES I MISSED
BUT AFTERWARD-BOY!
THE MISSES I KISSED
26. PEDRO
WALKED
BACK
HOME BY GOLLY
HIS
BRISTLY CHIN
WAS
HOT-TO-MOLLY
27. USE
THIS CREAM
A
DAY OR TWO
THEN
DON’T CALL HER
SHE’LL
CALL YOU
28. THE
POOREST GUY
IN
THE HUMAN RACE
CAN
HAVE A
MILLION
DOLLAR FACE
29. HENRY
VIII
SURE
HAD TROUBLE
SHORT
TERM WIVES
LONG
TERM STUBBLE
30. DON’T
STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT TOO FAR
OR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN
ANOTHER CAR
31. SUBSTITUTES
ARE
LIKE A GIRDLE
THEY
FIND SOME JOBS
THEY
JUST CAN’T HURDLE
32. SUBSTITUTES
CAN
LET YOU DOWN
QUICKER
THAN
A
STRAPLESS GOWN
33. PAST
SCHOOLHOUSES
TAKE
IT SLOW
LET
THE LITTLE
SHAVERS
GROW
34. THE
PLACE TO PASS
ON
CURVES YOU KNOW
IS
ONLY AT
A
BEAUTY SHOW
35. IF
YOUR PEACH
KEEPS
OUT OF REACH
BETTER PRACTICE
WHAT
WE PREACH
36. BURMA-SHAVE
WAS
SUCH A BOOM
THEY
PASSED THE BRIDE
AND
KISSED THE GROOM
37. TO
KISS A MUG
THAT’S
LIKE A CACTUS
TAKES
MORE NERVE
THAN
IT DOES PRACTICE
38. ALTHOUGH
INSURED
REMEMBER,
KIDDO
THEY
DON’T PAY YOU
THEY PAY YOUR WIDOW
39. TRAIN
APPROACHING
WHISTLE SQUEALING
PAUSE! AVOID THAT
RUNDOWN FEELING
40. SPRING
HAS SPRUNG
THE
GRASS HAS RIZ
WHERE
LAST YEAR’S
CARELESS DRIVER IS
41. PROPER
DISTANCE
TO HIM WAS BUNK
THEY
PULLED HIM OUT
OF
SOME GUY’S TRUNK
42. MY
CHEEK SAYS SHE
IS
SMOOTH AS SATIN
HA!
HA! SAY SHE
THAT’S
MINE YOUR PATTIN’
43. UNLESS
YOUR FACE
IS
STINGER FREE
YOU
BETTER LET
YOUR
HONEY BE
44. A
BEARD THAT’S ROUGH
AND
OVERGROWN
IS
BETTER THAN
A
CHAPERONE
45. THE
HOBO LET HIS
WHISKERS
SPROUT
IT’S
TRAINS—NOT GIRLS
THAT
HE TAKES OUT
46. DINAH DOESN’T
TREAT HIM RIGHT
BUT IF HE’D SHAVE
DINAH-MITE!
47. ON CURVES AHEAD
REMEMBER, SONNY
THAT RABBIT’S FOOT
DIDN’T SAVE THE BUNNY
48. TO KISS A MUG
THAT’S LIKE A CACTUS
TAKES MORE NERVE
THAN IT DOES PRACTICE
49. THE ANSWER TO
A MAIDEN PRAYER
IS NOT A CHIN
OF STUBBY HAIR
50. I
KNOW HE’S A WOLF
SAID
RIDING HOOD
BUT
GRANDMA DEAR
HE
SMELLS SO GOOD
51. A
CHIN WHERE
BARBED
WIRE BRISTLES STAND
IS
BOUND TO BE
A
NO MA’AMS LAND
52. TO
STEAL A KISS
HE
HAD THE KNACK
BUT
LACKED THE CHEEK
TO
GET ONE BACK
53. IT
GAVE MACDONALD
THAT
NEEDED CHARM
HELLO
HOLLYWOOD
GOOD-BY
FARM
54. AROUND
THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
IT’S
A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T
IT?
55. WE
CAN’T PROVIDE YOU
WITH A DATE
BUT WE DO SUPPLY
THE BEST DARN BAIT
56. SUBSTITUTES
CAN DO MORE HARM
THAN CITY FELLERS
ON A FARM
57. THE ONE WHO
DRIVES WHEN
HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
58. VIOLETS ARE
BLUE
ROSES ARE PINK
ON GRAVES OF THOSE
WHO DRIVE AND DRINK
59. HE TRIED TO
CROSS
AS FAST TRAIN NEARED
DEATH DIDN’T DRAFT HIM
HE VOLUNTEERED
60. “NO,
NO,” SHE SAID
TO
HER BRISTLY BEAU
I’D
RATHER EAT
THE
MISTLETOE
61. IF
ANYTHING
WILL
PLEASE YOUR JILL
A
LITTLE JACK
FOR
THIS JAR WILL
62. THE
BIG BLUE TUBE’S
JUST
LIKE LOUISE
YOU GET A THRILL
FROM
EVERY SQUEEZE
63. ANGELS
WHO GUARD YOU
WHEN
YOU DRIVE
USUALLY
RETIRE
AT
SIXTY-FIVE
64. THE
MONKEY TOOK
ONE LOOK AT JIM
AND THREW THE PEANUTS
BACK AT HIM
65. THE
DRAFTEE TRIED
A
TUBE AND PURRED
WELL
WHADDYA KNOW
I’VE
BEEN DEFURRED
66. THIS
COOLING SHAVE
WILL
NEVER FAIL
TO
STAMP ITS USER
FIRST
CLASS MALE
67. MEN
WITH WHISKERS
‘NEATH
THEIR NOSES
OUGHTA
HAVE TO KISS
LIKE
ESKIMOSES
68. PASSING
CARS
WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE
MAY
GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF
ETERNITY
69. IF
DAISIES ARE
YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER
KEEP PUSHIN’ UP
THOSE MILES-PER-HOUR
70. HE
LIT A MATCH
TO CHECK GAS TANK
THAT’S
WHY THEY CALL HIM
SKINLESS
FRANK
71. THIRTY
DAYS
HATH
SEPTEMBER
APRIL,
JUNE,
AND
THE SPEED OFFENDER
72. DIM
YOUR LIGHTS
BEHIND
A CAR
LET
FOLKS SEE
HOW
BRIGHT YOU ARE
73. BEN
MET ANNA
MADE
A HIT
NEGLECTED
BEARD
BEN-ANNA
SPLIT
74. HE
PLAYED THE SAX
HE
HAD NO B.O.
BUT
HIS WHISKERS SCRATCHED
SO
SHE LET HIM GO
75. YOU
CAN DRIVE
A
MILE A MINUTE
BUT
THERE IS NO
FUTURE
IN IT
76. IF
HUGGING ON HIGHWAYS
IS YOUR SPORT
TRADE IN YOUR CAR
FOR
A DAVENPORT
77. THIS
SHAVE IS LIKE
A
PARACHUTE
THERE
ISN’T ANY
SUBSTITUTE
78. IF
YOU MUST TEST
HER
PUCKER PAINT
BE
SURE TO DRIVE
WHERE
TRAFFIC AIN’T
79. I’D HEARD IT
PRAISED
BY DRUG STORE CLERKS
I TRIED THE STUFF
HOT DOG! IT WORKS
80. WITHIN THIS
VALE
OF TOIL AND SIN
YOUR HEAD GROWS BALD
BUT NOT YOUR CHIN
81. FROM NEW YORK
TOWN
TO PUMPKIN HOLLER
IT’S HALF A POUND
FOR HALF A DOLLAR
82. SAID JULIET
TO ROMEO
IF YOU DON’T SHAVE
GO HOMEO
83. SHAVING BRUSHES
YOU’LL SOON SEE ‘EM
ON A SHELF
IN SOME MUSEUM
84. IF HARMONY
IS WHAT YOU CRAVE
THEN GET A TUBA
BURMA-SHAVE
85. IF YOU DON’T
KNOW
WHOSE SIGNS THESE ARE
YOU HAVEN’T DRIVEN
VERY FAR
86. WE’RE WIDELY
READ
AND OFTEN QUOTED
BUT IT’S SHAVES NOT SIGNS
FOR WHICH WE’RE NOTED
87. THESE SIGNS ARE
NOT
FOR LAUGHS ALONE
THE FACE THEY SAVE
MAY BE YOUR OWN
88. DON’T TAKE A CURVE
AT 60 PER
WE’D HATE TO LOSE
A CUSTOMER
89. WE KNOW HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE THAT GAL
BUT USE BOTH HANDS
FOR DRIVING, PAL
90. FAREWELL O VERSE
ALONG THE ROAD
HOW SAD TO SEE
YOU’RE OUT OF MODE
