Wednesday, April 1, 2015


If you ever visit the Newseum in Washington, D.C.—the outstanding museum dedicated to the First Amendment—make sure to go to the bathroom. In part, that’s because you can spend days at the museum, and you’ll need the break. But more importantly, if you go to the bathroom, you’ll laugh. You’ll see news bloopers affixed to the tiles on the bathroom walls—newspaper headlines that desperately needed a copy editor. The stories have long been forgotten, but the headlines—RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE—endure.

Headline writing is an art form. Do it well, and it can be magical.




But do it wrong, and oy. Here are 73 head-scratching headlines, some of them undoubtedly purposeful, all of them hilarious:

1. Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney
2. Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks
3. Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
4. Top Secret Mission To Launch Tuesday
5. Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs 
6. Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
7. A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt
8. Local Children Are Winners at Dog Show
9. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
10. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
11. Students Cook & Serve Grandparents
12. Polls Say That 53% Believe Media Offen Make Mistakes
13. Meat Head Resigns
14. Thursday is Cancelled
15. Threat Disrupts Plans to Meet About Threats
16. Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police
17. Babies Are What The Mother Eats
18. Journalists Say Voters Hold Key To November Election
19. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
20. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
21. Berkley Turns Blind Ear To Finance Committee
22. Poverty Meeting Attracts Poor Turnout
23. Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says
24. Slowdown Continues To Accelerate
25. Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors

26. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
27. Deer Kill 130,000
28. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
29. Most Doctors Agree That Breathing Regularly is Good For You
30. Experts Agree: Al Qaeda Leader is Dead or Alive
31. Court Rejects Fartillizer Plant’s Tax Appeal 2-1
32. Sister Hits Moose On Way to Visit Sister Who Hit Moose
33. Fish Need Water, Feds Say
34. Animal-Rights Group To Hold Meeting At Steakhouse
35. Missippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement

36. School Boards Need to Make Decisions Based on Intellegance, Not Emotion
37. Illiteracy An Obstable, Study Finds
38. Want to Spell Like a Champ? Read Wenster’s Dictionary
39. Demorats’ Plan Boosts Funding For Education
40. Library Marks “Teen Reed Week”
41. How To Make Communicate More Effectively
42. Cop Makes Arrest in Bathroom After Smelling Crack
43. Cops Arrest White Woman on Warrant For Black Man
44. Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
45. Woman Missing Since She Got Lost
46. Senior Luncheon Will No Longer Include Lunch
47. Children Living Without Limbs Lack Support
48. 17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
49. Marijuana Issue Send to a Joint Committee
50. School Testing Mushrooms
51. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
52. Condom Truck Tips, Spills Load
53. Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks
54. One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers

55. Sex Offenders Pitch Tents
56. Seahorse Farm Now Offers Riding Lessons
57. Man Tries Armed Robbery With Knife In Gun Store
58. Tight End Returns After Colon Surgery
59. Royals To Get A Taste of Angels’ Colon
60. Arsenic In City Water Nothing To Worry About
61. Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances
62. At-Risk Funding At Risk
63. Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crain Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head
64. Police Arrest Everyone on February 22
65. Young Amputee Returns to Ethiopia Armed For Independence
66. MSI Owner Denies Lying, Admits Not Telling Truth
67. Hooker Named Lay Person of the Year
68. Sixers Tie It Up Again As Series Shits To Boston
69. Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not To Take Poison
70. Warmer Weather May Make Snow Disappear
71. Rutland’s Mayor Takes Close Look At Nude Dancing
72. “We Hate Math,” Say 4 in 10—A Majority of Americans
73. City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells

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