When it comes to a well-turned
phrased, a rapier wit, a literary sense of humor, has there ever been anyone
quite like Mark Twain? Of course, he would likely answer, “I have been
complimented many times, and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they
have not said enough.” That quotation isn’t even one of his 82 finest,
according to us at the Why Not 100. But the following do qualify as his best
(and the first 14 are about reading and writing):
1. A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
2. The
very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
3. I
didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
4. Substitute
'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it
and the writing will be just as it should be.
5. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
5. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
6. My
books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately)
everybody drinks water.
7. The
right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly
timed pause.
8. It
usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
9. Don't
say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
10. 'Classic.'
A book which people praise and don't read.
11. Ideally
a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his
own.
12. Biographies
are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself
cannot be written.
13. Be
careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
14. Good
friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
15. What
a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it
before.
16. Only
kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the
editorial 'we.'
17. Clothes
make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
18. If
the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there
ten years later.
19. Name
the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
20. Suppose
you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat
myself.
21. Whenever
you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
22. Don't
let schooling interfere with your education.
23. Education
consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
24. It's
good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
25. It
ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is
the parts that I do understand.
26. When
red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
27. Do
the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
28. When
angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
29. Any
emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
30. It's
not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
31. Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
31. Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
32. Don't
tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them
where they know the fish.
33. Man
will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself
envied.
34. Go
to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
35. Patriotism
is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves
it.
36. Man
was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
37. Such
is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
38. Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
39. It
is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral
courage so rare.
40. To
refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
41. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
41. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
42. What,
sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir,
almighty scarce.
43. Noise
proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid
an asteroid.
44. Wit
is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to
have any relation.
45. Life
would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and
gradually approach eighteen.
46. Age
is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
47. When
your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign
you're getting old.
48. The
man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it,
he knows too little.
49. Don't
go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It
was here first.
50. Golf is a good walk spoiled.
51. A
man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in
conversation.
52. The
human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession
but carrying a banner.
53. Get
your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
54. It
is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to
open it and remove all doubt.
55. When
you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
56. To
succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
57. I
can live for two months on a good compliment.
58. I
am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never
happened.
59. A
man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
60. Wrinkles
should merely indicate where smiles have been.
61. There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
61. There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
62. It
is easier to stay out than get out.
63. The
secret of getting ahead is getting started.
64. It
is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve
them.
65. No
sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
66. The
lack of money is the root of all evil.
67. The
best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
68. Action
speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
69. I
didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
70. Giving
up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it
thousands of times.
71. I
have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
72. It's
no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
73. It
ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for
sure that just ain't so.
74. The
educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
75. You
can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
76. I
thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him
kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
77. Under
certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
78. He
is now rising from affluence to poverty.
79. Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
80. The
first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the
year.
81. All
generalizations are false, including this one.
82. The
reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
