R.L. Stine has been called the “Stephen King of children’s literature.” He has written, literally, hundreds of books and has racked up sales in the hundreds of millions. On his Twitter feed, he describes his job as “to terrify kids.” And in fact, he is nearly as prolific at tweeting as he is at writing.
We at the Why Not 100 love an epic book, but we well know that it is also a talent to write pithily. And while horror can be fun, humor can be funnier. It’s why our blog celebrates everything from top headlines from “The Onion” to Steven Wright’s best one-liners.
Twitter, of course, asks for 140 characters of pithy. With that in mind, we scrolled through R.L. Stine’s Twitter feed (@RL_Stine) over a two-month span last year—naturally, the 60 days surrounding Halloween—and came up with this list of our favorites:
1. Oct. 21, 2013: “I’m flattered & honored to have 100,000 followers. I plan to invite you all over for drinks. Keep watching for details.”
2. Nov., 21, 2013: “I see I was passed over again by the Nat’l Book Awards. I thought Son of Slappy stood a chance, but better writers prevailed.”
3. Nov. 4, 2013: “Did you know that monkeys can blush? I didn’t either. What do you think you have to do to make a monkey blush?”
4. Oct. 4, 2013: “Quoth the raven, “What’s up, Doc?” (--Edgar Allen Poe first draft)”
5. Oct. 12, 2013: “Warning: If peg legs freak you out, you’re in trouble tonight. #TheHauntingHour”
6. Nov. 1, 2013: “Good news: The UN has formed a committee to let us know when a deadly asteroid is hurtling toward earth.”
7. Oct. 17, 2013: “Yes, there is a calendar of tattooed librarians. #notmakingthisup”
8. Oct. 21, 2013: “Is your house haunted? A new website will tell you if someone died in your house… Diedinhouse.com works for any address.”
9. Nov. 28, 2013: “Since we don’t believe in killing turkeys, we always have ham, roast beef, and duck. Have a joyous holiday, everyone.”
10. Nov. 3, 2013: “Your nightmare for tonight: Box jellyfish have heads a ft wide & tentacles 550 ft long. If you’re stung, you have 4 minutes to live.”
11. Nov. 20, 2013: “The largest bovine in the world? Glad you asked. I’m sure you’ll agree this is a lot of bull.”
12. Nov. 22, 2013: “In time for your lunch, I thought you might enjoy this selection of delicious monkey brains.”
13. Nov. 11, 2013: “What would YOU do if your dog brought home a human leg? Write a horror movie about it?”
14. Oct. 16, 2013: “Has anyone tried the Pecan Pie flavored Pringles?”
15. Oct. 5, 2013: “Coen Bros.’ “Inside Llewyn Davis”—Best Supporting Performance by a Cat. You’ll see what I mean.”
16. Oct. 14, 2013: “A jack-o-lantern freak or a pie fan? Last week on Long Island, someone stole 600 pumpkins.”
17. Nov. 14, 2013: “Scientists estimate 100 million homeless cats roam the U.S. These cats kill a BILLION birds a year. #natureishorrifying”
18. Oct. 28, 2013: “The Onion writes about Fear Street. Love the comments, especially the people who don’t think I’m real.”
19. Nov. 12, 2013: “A Florida man said his neighbors were mean and wouldn’t drink with him. So he called 911.”
20. Nov. 1, 2013: “A GA man after rescuing his family from their burning house, rushed back into the flames to save his Bud Light. #notmakingthisup”
21. Oct. 16, 2013: “Is the Magic Restroom Café the WORST restaurant ever? For one thing, diners sit on TOILETS. Seriously.”
22. Nov. 4, 2013: “Emergency crews rushed to a 6th grade classroom in Queens, NY when a hazardous smell was reported. Turned out to be Axe body spray.”
23. Oct. 6, 2013: “The most violent, dangerous states in the U.S.? A survey lists the states with most violent crimes per 100,000. The top 5…”
24. Oct. 6, 2013: “…5. S. Carolina 4. New Mexico 3. Alaska 2. Nevada. And the most dangerous state—a surprise, I think—it’s Tennessee.”
25. Nov. 26, 2013: “Don’t believe in ghosts? Boy killed in tornado shows up in photo TWO MONTHS LATER.”
26. Oct. 31, 2013: “News Flash: Aliso Niguel High School in Orange County, CA has banned twerking at school dances.”
27. Oct. 12, 2013: “Something New to Worry About: Ticks may be tiniest, most dangerous creatures on earth.”
28. Oct. 4, 2013: “Here’s a job you might like: NASA is looking for people to lie in bed 24 hours a day for 10 weeks. They want to see what happens…”
29. Oct. 4, 2013: “…to normal people when they do this. The pay for staying in bed for 10 weeks? $12,000. Do you qualify?”
30. Oct. 15, 2013: “I watched This is The End this afternoon. It’s horrible, but it made me laugh a lot.”
And in that same two-month span, I came across these terrific re-tweets from Stine:
31. @MikeJFear: “@RL_Stine since my last name is Fear do I get a special prize?”
32. @juskewitch: “A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.”
33. @mayhemll: “I’ve started reading: #Goosebumps books on the train to work in an attempt to meet guys. It’s working. Much obliged @RL_Stine, much obliged.”
34. @maidofstarstuff: “Watching @RL_Stine’s Goosebumps just like it was 20 years ago… except now I have vodka.”
35. @tsokolove: “FUN FACT: I once graced the cover of an @RL_Stine book. I’m the “prom date” killed off in the first chapter…”
36. @KnoxBlevins: “Started reading the Prologue of Red Rain on Amazon… Take my money. Just take it.”
37. @JenCrittenden: “Black Friday presents a conundrum. I like shopping but I also like trampling people.”
38. @WyattBertsch: “when I was a 90’s kid, I pretended The Haunted Mask didn’t scare me. Now, I have no one to act macho for. And I’m still scared.”
39. @AndyRichter: “Watching old episodes of Goosebumps that’s set in Louisiana. Entire cast made the bold choice to speak with Canadian accents.”
40. @Daltongrandon: “Couldn’t find a Goosebumps skateboard on ebay, so I decided to make one, now just need wheels.”
41. @CodyRaines: “@RL_Stine Hey Mr. Stine I’m going to be you for Halloween.”
42. @banubelle: “the scariest books for me has always been the night of the living dummy ones. I threw away most of my toys because of them”
43. @aiahrachel: “Just learned a fabulous and horrifying new expression: “best horse in the glue factory.” Yowza.”
44. @ameliedepoulan: “@RL_Stine Greetings from Peru, sir. Thank you for everything. I had an amazing childhood because of you! :)”
45. @cryptor_chid: “@RL_Stine idea for a story: teenage girl hears her refrigerator breathing and it comes to life and eats her. Based on a true story.”
46. @KinsleyOfficial: “Damn Goosebumps books have me hooked all over again. I’m staying up too late and hiding under the covers like it’s 1995.”
47. @fordhughes: “what advice would u give a young thug with ambitionz as a wridah?”
48. @laurenreeves: “911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
49. @emhig: “I just discovered that I remember the plot of every Goosebumps book. @RL_Stine, how can I use this in my daily life?”
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